My understanding of abuse is that its hereditary: like alcoholism, food addiction, or drug addiction (where you are unable to cope your history or know the limits of your own life) I say abuse runs in my extended family (its generational). Its up to me to make sure that my own family raises kids that don’t see things the way my birth mother and birth father do, and its up to my own family to ensure that our kids that don’t behave (under stress or otherwise) the way my birth mother and birth father do. I need counselling because, as much as I raised myself to see and feel and think differently than everyone else in the house I raised myself in, I know that I haven’t lived in a house that looks like the home that I was always looking for.
There are a lot of people out there who think that its OK to yell out their feelings, yell over, and belittle those people who they say they love; some people think its normal to push, shove, bite, grab, kick, beat, and say “I love you” to the same person (I’m here to tell you its not); some people think its no big deal to say that who they love is “too slow” or “not getting it” or “too fat” or that they have “ugly” or “rough” or “messy hair, and some people think they’re so big that they can do anything and everything better than anybody (especially those who they say they love). My father tried to make me submit his admission letter (written while pretending to be me) with my application to various universities in Ontario, Canada because he wanted to “make sure” I would get into university. He wrote up a letter, handed it to me (with a smug look on his face) and asked me to “read it” because he was so sure it was the letter that would get me into every university he wanted me to apply to. Some universities had the major/concentration I wanted (English), and some had the one he wanted for me (Social Work and then Law). I read the letter, thought it was arrogant and empty, and submitted my own letter (I remember it being pretty shaky) with my applications instead. Here’s why I did that: I felt that, considering the fact that university is about figuring out who you are, and given the fact that its me who would go on to sit in lectures and sit for exams, It had to be me to write my letter (in my own voice) too. I just want to say that its ridiculously abusive to try and take away someone’s voice (no matter how shaky it is).
Since leaving abuse I’ve done a lot of thinking (about who I am, what I want to happen at this point in my life, and where I’m headed) and the answer is simple: I want peace, harmony, freedom, and good people who want to be present with me.