Only The Names Have Been Changed….

M*****r, F*****r, M****r, F****r, M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r,M*****r, F*****r…….

For legal reasons (meaning, I don’t think I have any police backing and I am not interested in having any of their groomed goons following me around), I can only name them (with asterisks) and shame the hell out of them in the following ways: M****r dearest, when I got the injury I mention here at age twelve (an injury where I put my foot through a glass table – because you weren’t watching me carefully enough and you wouldn’t help me and my sister bind my foot injury – without medical help), and my f****r didn’t care to get off his BIG MAN job and take me to the hospital, why didn’t you ask one of the neighbors to drive me to the hospital? F*****r dearest, why did you drag me by my arm, pull me by my ear, and terrorize me because you got a prank call from kids that said “you kicked my dog” (when you say you hate dogs)?

I want to know.

-Adaora (not A****a)

How do you know they care?

001

You know they care when they believe in you (no matter what) and they stand by you when who they thought was a BIG MAN and his wife turned out to be an abuser (and a minion abuser) without a spine; he beat me and she stood by the door to watch and listen; he smacked me around and she giggled to herself and came outside her room to get a better look (because she loved every minute of it). She and he physically (she in high school, though she likes to pretend it never happened), financially, emotionally, and psychologically abused me, and she and he tried to make me feel like a fat slob when they are the ones who could stand to loose more than a few pounds (not me). He and she are master manipulators and I hope they spend the rest of their lives (here in Canada or far away) happy together.

I have been hit, slapped, yanked, pulled (by both ears), dragged across the floor, beaten, held in choke hold, threatened, and made afraid to go ‘home.’ I have been abused for pretty much my entire life. I am a victim of abuse and I don’t care if everybody knows because I want to help somebody.

I AM A VICTIM OF ABUSE AND YOU WILL NOT SILENCE ME

Someone who (up until recently) I  thought was my family stole the password to this WordPress (MINE) and tried to troll and manipulate me into going back to my abuser (fa****r and she herself my m****r), Its so far gone that she or he (one of whom I suspect to be the culprit) tried to victimize me again by getting his or her hands on my personal place on the internet. The culprit(s) need to know they are no longer members of my family. You will not intimidate me, you have no idea what abuse I have lived through (and your little reindeer games are not going to work with me). Stop now or I will be forced to press charges against you. Do not fucking mess with me again.

I AM A VICTIM OF ABUSE (NOT AN ABUSEER)

YEP 244

– Adaora

I’m Prepared

In writing I am a victim of abuse, I have to understand (as well as I do) that not everyone is going to believe that the abuse I have gone through is real. I say things as they are: I was hit, slapped, yanked, pulled (by both ears), dragged across the floor, beaten, held in choke hold, threatened, and made afraid to go ‘home’ by my abusers.. He and  she have manipulated close relatives in the family (to the point that they believe him or her over me – the one who gives everything to everybody and never gets anything in return). I have been abused for pretty much my entire life.  I know a lot of these ‘cases’ can’t be proven (one way or the other) but I know that in order to be happy I have to do what works for me (re: my literal health, safety, and well being). I am a victim of abuse and I want you to know that I can’t associate with anyone who chooses to pal around with my abusers. I want to let friends, family, and other relatives (who know my abusers) know that I can’t be in your life if you want to be in his or hers (the choice is yours). I am a victim of abuse and I don’t care if everybody knows because I want to help somebody (but it doesn’t make me feel any less alone). He has a lot of people fooled (and so does she).

– Adaora

I AM A VICTIM OF ABUSE (FROM AGE 12 TO NOW)

I AM A VICTIM  OF ABUSE AND I OWE ANY FAKE NAYSAYERS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I AM TELLING MY STORY BECAUSE I NEED TO DO IT TO HEAL. I AM TIRED OF BEING ABUSED EVERY TIME I HAVE TO TELL A SO CALLED FAMILY MEMBER ABOUT MY SEVERE ABUSE TRAUMA, AND IM TIRED OF GETTING TREATED LIKE A LAYABOUT LAZY FAT ASS WHO DOES NOTHING BUT EAT AND AND SIT DOWN. I AM WORTH EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD. I AM TRYING TO MAKE IT EVERY DAY. I AM WORTH TEN TIMES MORE THAN ANY ABUSER WHO WANTS TO LOOK GOOD WHILE BEING AN ASSHOLE. YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG WOMAN – FUCKING WITH MY BLOG PAGE IS BAD FOR MY BUSINESS AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT WHEN YOU CLOSE THAT DOOR IT WILL NOT BE OPENED. THE ASSHOLE WHO TAMPERED WITH MY BLOG DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO READ THE POST HE OR SHE CHANGED. CALLING AN ABUSE VICTIM AN ABUSER IS SOMETHING MY SO CALLED DADDY DEAREST WOULD DO. START YOUR OWN WORDPRESS AND SAY WHAT A LYING BITCH I AM ABOUT BEING ABUSED, BUT DO NOT FUCK WITH MY TWITTER YOU ASSHOLES. 

YEP 244

***** I think my m*****r has Narcissistic Personality Disorder too. 

======================================================

I have been hit, slapped, yanked, pulled (by both ears), dragged across the floor, beaten, held in choke hold, threatened, and made afraid to go ‘home.’ I have been abused for pretty much my entire life. I am a victim of abuse and I don’t care if everybody knows because I want to help somebody.

Abuse is scary: for a long time, you find yourself believing that the horror you go through (from being yelled at, name-called, slapped, hit, dragged, held in a choke hold or beaten) is no big deal; all I’ve known, for my entire life, is abuse. He and she abused me physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and financially.

My abuser and my abuser (in a rage) both think and act for themselves: as a result of being in and around normalcy, one of my abusers tried to pass his abuse history onto me: I refused; I kicked, screamed, shouted ‘no more,’ and I made him more angry in my refusal to become like him. My other abuser (a master manipulator in her own right) has managed to have people believe that I’m something I’m not. You tried it, m****r dearest.

Abuse makes you hide yourself: when you friends ask you to ‘hang out’ at the bar or at their house, you can’t go because your abuser thinks you’re ‘going out too much’ (as an adult woman) or you yourself fear having your private items ransacked (by a lunatic abuser who thinks you are his property and that he’s entitled to do anything he wants). My abusers have Narcissistic Personality Disorder: rather than think about who they say they love, they are so consumed with themselves and how they look to other people (and how people bow down to them), that neither of them can take five minutes to remember that there are other people in the house who have feelings too. They have two deep bottomless pits of an ego that (no matter how many accolades or ‘chief’ or ‘ego stroking’ titles or money or good people you throw into it) can never be satisfied. They are that sick and twisted. My female abuser is so consumed with her ‘relationship’ with him (my male abuser): rather than listen to me when I told her my abuser is abusive, she kept trying to tell me he’s “a changed man” and “very nice ” (when she has never been genuinely nice herself). My clear distress signals (to her and other close relatives) haven’t been taken seriously. My male abuser had my female abuser fooled very long time (into into believing that he’s the leader and the leader of the year when he’s abused me and other people who may or may not ever want to talk about it). We have suffered (and I hope my beloved – who also knows #300 well, stays far away from them). 

My life has been a revolving door of friends: as a naturally people person, I gravitate towards people who I feel like I can be myself around; I make a connection with these people, we take our ‘get to know each other’s’ moments, and we exchange numbers. Then, without a doubt, phase two happens: my father goes into a rage (about the dishes not being washed, me not cooking dinner for everyone – meaning him, me not treating him like he’s an idol) and suddenly (rather than hanging out with my friends) I’m texting my ‘sorry I can’t come’ excuses while being threatened (with “you can get the fuck out, if you don’t like it,” or “shut the fuck up and get out of my sight….”), shaking like a leaf, fearing for my life, and wondering why I couldn’t avoid another one of his or her rages (I have missed birthday parties – including my own – because of this). I try my best to not be seen or heard at #300 (that’s the number of the house I’ve lived around for most of my life, and where I’m typing this article and all the others that came before it on this blog). I have spent far too much of my time in that place, and I have no interest in ever seeing it again.

Every single article, where I have talked about not wasting any time reconnecting, surrounding yourself with family, loving yourself and knowing your worth, why I get to love my body, why I love my body, impacts on the familyand praying for me have all been my cautionary tale to you (in order to help you see where abuse is happening and do you best to help people who are being victimized by abusers get away from them). I have always told myself (since deciding that I want to have kids) that when I have nieces, nephews, and kids of my own, I would do my best to be friends with their friends and the parents of their friends (my husband and I), and that they would know that our home is home for them too. I wish I had a friend who was persistently active in my life, and who did everything they could to figure out what was going on at #300 and how to stop it. I know that when I have nieces, nephews, and kids, their friends will know that they are at home where we live, and that if there is any abuse going on in their ‘home’ they have a real home with us. I hope that everyone would raise their kids in a home where (if they have the room/if they don’t think they do) their kids can say “you can come home with me” and they do.

I will say this: If you are planning on leaving your abuser (whether it’s your husband, wife, partner, father or mother) make sure you have your stuff together: Get your Birth Certificate, your Passport(s), your Social Insurance Number, your Debit and Credit cards, and any important documents (with your name on it) – they belong to you. Make sure he or she has left the house, carry as little with you as you can (someone will/should provide you what you need – if its clothes, shoes, money…a home (with lots of food and love in it)….that’s what friends and family are supposed to do if you ask).  Don’t take too much (so you have time to get as far away as possible, and so they don’t ‘catch on’). Be strong: as hard as it’s going to be to leave him or her, know that you are safer away from them than you are with them. Have your back: document everything; write down or email (to yourself or a trusted friend – very important because email leaves a record and there is no paper trail for your abuser to find) all incidents of abuse and threats by your abuser that you can remember.  If there are scars or other physical injuries from abuse, take pictures (if you can) or have a trusted friend/family member take them for you. Again (this is so important I have to repeat it): DOCUMENT EVERYTHING (if you can, as close to the time as possible – which is why email is ideal). Know your rights (if they threaten to send you where they legally are not allowed to – like a psych ward- know that with no record of in-house treatment for mental illness, or if there is and you’re in recovery/on medication for mental illness, they cannot force you to go anywhere you don’t agree to go). Gaslighter’s try to make their abuse victims look like they’re ‘crazy’ when they are not. Don’t let them take your freedom away. 

To the police: I genuinely have felt (for most of my life – aged 12 to now), for a lot moments, like my life has been at risk.  I just want to understand something (before I finish this post) for all of us:

What more do police need? You guys immediately answer the calls of neighbours on the street (for loud house parties) but you can’t come to a house when domestic violence (re: yelling, stomping around, intimidation, and general sense of ‘fearing for my life’ is going on)? I feel like my neighbours have to have called the police numerous times (since my abuser yells and rages so loudly he shakes the house while I shake like a leaf). What more do you want? Is it going to come to my abuser (or someone’s husband, wife, partner, mother, or father) choking them to death for you to have enough of a ‘right’ to come on in?  I managed my abusers moods to say alive here (and truly, when I look at how increasingly unhinged he’s becoming, I don’t know how much longer I have here). My abuses have yelled at me, called me ugly names, slapped, hit, dragged me, held me in a choke hold, and beaten me (far too many times to count). They’ve pulled me roughly, pinched, slapped, and abused me verbally in places where I have worked and other shopping establishments (which is why I hadn’t gotten into a car with my male abuser years – and had to, for the first time since 2010, on April the 28th this year, and why I do my best to avoid getting in a car with her).  I worried about whether it was going to take me coming out of #300 in a body bag for police to do anything. Cops: come to where an abuse victim is living, and they’ll tell you everything you want to know (as long as you offer abuse victims an open-ended place to stay, genuine protection from abusers, and you promise to connect with other police stations so that abuse victims can stay as far away from their abusers as possible – because sadly, not all abusers get incarcerated). They have abusers in jail for 5 years and people guilty of petty theft in jail for ten or 20 years. They have people in jail for 5 years for abusing children and adults and people in jail for 20 years for paper trail crimes. They have people in jail for 20 years for being addicted to drugs (and nobody asks why they started using drugs to begin with). I want to know why the system is like this (because something isn’t right). Fix the system.  MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY. Would you take a moment to listen?

We don’t tell close family about how abusive our abusers are because we don’t want our abusers to put them at risk: in our minds (as abuse victims) we’re ‘use’ to abuse and we can manage our abusers moods (meaning we know when to walk away, clean to avoid a huge blow up, swallow our pride and give a hug to our abusers, stay ‘home’ when we want to go out, and do it all to ‘stay alive.’) Its not that we don’t ‘trust’ our close family with keeping us safe, its just that (more than anyone else) we know what our abusers are capable of. And a lot of the time family is too busy worrying about how things LOOK rather than how they ARE. I just wish people would understand.

Because all I know is abuse, I have to learn what it means and feels like to communicate with people (without fearing being yelled at, name-called, slapped, hit, dragged, held in a choke hold, having my ears pulled, or being beaten) and I have to learn how to trust more people again (aside from the slim few that I do). I have to learn how it feels to get to the the friend who can answer the phone at 3 am, ‘meet up’ for coffee (though I drink tea!), host Sunday Dinners, and be present 100% of the time. I am going to see a therapist and other experts who will help me recover from abuse and learn how to live with the memories of it. I hope if any of you out there are living post-abuse without anyone to help you work through it, you get the help you need. 

Adaora

Hearing & Listening

Its really important to understand the difference between hearing and listening: hearing is when you sit within ‘human hearing range’ of another person (whether they’re a ‘loved one’ or someone you work with), and you are able to use formal or informal education gathered to grasp a hearing of what another person is saying verbally.  Listening is more important: listening means you care (in some way) about the person speaking; it means you are prepared to stop, look, and actually listen (as in hear and understand what they have to say). Listening is about compromise: as much as you want to talk the ear off of another person, (whether or not you love them), listening requires a message to be sent and received (its a two person deal). Whether or not you love a person, you need to speak, stop, listen, and understand both ways. When you love somebody you are sharing conversation and feelings, and you have to love them enough to sit back and say “tell me how you feel, genuinely,” or “I think I want to hear, from you, anything that matters to you (because your voice matters to me.”) I have spoken about this before (perhaps not here), but its as simple as this: you cannot claim to love somebody if you are not willing to take the time to get to know them intimately. Knowing someone intimately is not just sexual thing, its personal too: value systems, general thoughts, feelings, dealings in life….what and who matters to someone (you say you love) is all understood and known (as part of who they are) when you close your mouth, open your ears, and listen.

truth

We all have a voice, and it’s important that we are given room to listen; if someone stutters around you, it means that you are rushing them: they don’t feel like you will give them the necessary time needed to collect their thoughts, put them together, and explain them in a way that they feel will make sense to you. When you love somebody, you give them that time: giving of yourself is when you understand that in order to have human connections, giving, in the way that I am speaking of it now, is a very important sharing of yourself that cannot be bought (be it with slushy drinks, trinkets, or other ‘things’ that are creature comforts or tastes). They can only be felt with a listening ear and an open heart (because they are matters of the heart).

If you really love who you say you love, as I have spoken about in my posts on family and loving, then you ought to take the time to close your mouth, open up both your ears, and listen.

– A

Mayday

vip 033

Did you know that the first day of may has come and gone now?  Can you believe it? 126 days have come and gone already?! I have already blogged about getting back in contact with those who mean the most to you, and surrounding yourself with positive people. Now I want to share my plans for the rest of the year:

1. Finish working on my latest writing projects 

I can’t say much right now,  except to say I want to give as much as I can to people in ways that they aren’t expecting (from me). I just want everybody to understand….

2.  Test kitchen my latest recipes 

I am overloaded with cooking and baking recipes that I have jotted down on loose sheets of paper, and now its time for me to test them all out! Trail Mixes, Sorbets, Ice Creams, Cakes, Pies, and smoothies…..

3.  Be outside more

There is so much of the world to see, whether in nature, on the street, or with family and friends. I am very excited to get out there and live my life.

4.  Pray for me

I need to be even closer to God right now. Please pray for me and I promise to pray for you too.